Julie Lyles Carr: Gratuitous Vacuum Violence

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Gratuitous Vacuum Violence

Vacuum

*WARNING!  THIS POST CONTAINS SCENES OF GRATUITOUS GRAPHIC VACUUM VIOLENCE!  SUCH SCENES MAY NOT BE ADVISABLE VIEWING FOR ALL READERS!  PROCEED WITH CAUTION!*



I'm cruel to vacuums.
It's true.

I don't intend to cut their lives short. It just of happens.

I've just purchased my sixth vacuum in as many years.

Yeah.

But, see, the one from five years ago was a little older and the hose kept getting clogged and I kept having to take it apart and then I would lose a screw or two every time I had to do that and then someone vacuumed up a piece of a Barbie and it sorta kinda melted into one of the gears and it just wouldn't roll correctly after that.

I think.

And then there was the Little Dirt Devil that I purchased while we were between our Oklahoma house and the little apartment where Mike was living and the island house during the Big Move. And it ran for a little while, but then I used it on the house on the island and if you've never had to vacuum sand morning, noon and night, then you can't appreciate fully the impact that can have on a cheap vacuum.

And then there was the expensive Hoover I bought when we got into our home on the coast and it worked just fine for a while and then I broke one of those new-fangled-uber-green-except-for-the-toxic-mercury-emissions-emitted-when-broken light bulbs and because I wasn't well schooled in hazardous material removal, I vacuumed up the bits of broken glass.

Which is apparently the very worst thing you can do if you break one of those save-the-environment bulbs.

Because then your vacuum will spew mercury fumes all over your house every time you vacuum.

So I had to kick that poisoned vacuum to the curb.

Then I was on to a couple of Eureka purchases, one for downstairs, one for up.

They lasted about 18 months.

The bigger, more expensive model 2 of 8 killed while vacuuming out the 15 passenger van.

Actually, I'm not sure she killed it. I think the vacuum just gave up in despair.

And then I did in the other Eureka. I used some of that Resolve carpet-powder-make-my-rugs-white-again stuff, which worked well...until I vacuumed it up and it proved too much for my last remaining vacuum.

I really want to believe that none of this is my fault. It's not like I get some thrill out of vacuum shopping.

Even if I do keep all the attachments from Vacuums Past.

And I'm not really sure why.

There's a new Hoover in town now here at Chez Octamom. It's gray and has some cool little features. I've had it about a month now...which means I'll probably be vacuum shopping again this time next year.

Not that I've premeditated it or anything.





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