Julie Lyles Carr: Behind the Green Curtain

Friday, February 5, 2010

Behind the Green Curtain

I don't want to alarm anyone.

I don't want to create panic amongst homemakers everywhere.

But I do think I may have stumbled on to something.

Something big.

And you need to know.

Those home magazines?

The ones with all the sunny, cheery family rooms and recipes for impossible cookies?


I think they are....be brave.....faked.

I know.

I'm taking it a little hard myself.

For many years, I have looked at those glossy pages as the summit of what I am trying to achieve. Gleaming floors. Trendy wall hangings. Bold colors. Simple elegance. Warm cookies.

And I've been in real, actual magazine-esque homes. I always seem to have a friend or two who can pull off the Better Homes look, all the time, day or night.

And yet.

It was a simple glitch in the Matrix, really, that tipped me off. I was having my monthly self-scolding as I thumbed through the pages of my newest home magazine, tsk-tsking myself for the current state of my living room as compared to the one represented in the magazine's pictorial.

And then I flipped over a page.

And I saw it.

It was an article on how the oh-so-kind home experts of the magazine had helped a woman reorganize her entry closet. I didn't find the 'before' all that hideous, but it apparently was, to those who know. And a mere $350 later, this entry closet was a fabulous, shiny paragon of beauty, style and organization.

And then I knew.

Because the claim was that they simply de-cluttered this closet and then shod it with all manner of classy organizational elements.

For an entry closet.

But here's the thing.

Where is the homeowner now going to keep the roller blade that has one wheel that has fallen off but only needs a screw that requires that special screwdriver that is somewhere so said roller blade can be used again? And where is the collection of light sabers going to be stored that, yes, ideally would be kept in the gleaming children's play room, but experience has necessitated that they be stored on the top shelf of the entry closet so that light saber play can be more closely monitored due to the fact that light sabers and expensive orthodontia have proven in the past to not mix well?


What about that?

I didn't see any light saber contraband organizational system in that entry closet.

And what about the baggie of those oh-so-eco-green new twisty fluorescent bulbs we're all supposed to be using until we find out that we can't throw them away when they burn out because they spew mercury into the air and so we have to keep the burned out ones in a baggie in the entry closet until we can figure out the where and when of trying to recycle these little bombs of mercury vapor?

Didn't see a darling little basket with a cheery printed label on it for "Hazardous Waste" in that gorgeous new entry closet.

I think I may be a little bitter.

So I'll keep you updated. I'm looking at those home magazines through new eyes, I tell ya. I'd long ago figured out that super models were airbrushed; now I'm thinking couches may be as well.

I'm only telling you this because I care.

Just remember that.

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